live and loud : jazz night

tudududushoobabdeeboop *background trumpet*

yes ladies and gents.. i went for the event. t`was a jazz night out for me and thanks to cik ku`.. i’ve got something to occupy myself after the whole week not treating me kind.

earlier.. as in a month back, jiran has already suggested for me to go.. but last minute due to the financial closing for the month didnt permit me to do so.. so i bailed. however, after the drama of me passing out in the office basement (due to de-hydration, asthma and whateverlah).. and after resting well in the pantry.. cik ku text me and offered me “you want to watch jazz tonight?”. i felt a lil guilty tho because i didnt have the moolah to go.. but she was kind enough to spare me tix for the night. (i thank you so much cik ku` for cheering me up. =) )

the event started timely at 7.. with the first act being noryn aziz.. heard the name before but not so familiar.. and heard that her reputation wasnt that good either.. but turned out that she’s quite good! was quite surprised that she could pull a mas que nada and got the crowd going..

next up was.. Maliq & D`Essentials (MDE).. before I go any further.. to tell you the truth, I had no idea who was performing.. and who is Tompi and also MDE. gile kelakar. But well.. seriously, it was a good thing that I went.. because MDE was super awesome.. they actually did a cover of sexyback (JT) and Billie Jean (Maikel Jeksen) which was pretty cool and im beginning to llllooooove them a lot!

Last act.. Tompi.. Their sounds are good.. but I think MDE jazzed the house. Cik Ku` was telling me it was kinda a lil letdown because MDE took the limelight and a lil longer performing… and Tompi’s album is better off from what was performed. So yea, am downloading some of their songs right now and will let you guys know.. or lagi baik.. sila download sendiri.. hehehe..

anyways.. thanks again cik ku`.. you made my friday worth it and definitely cheered me up a bit. =)

suave.. baby.. suave

just did a survey on facebook on “the lover style profile” test, and this is what i came out with :

Your Score: The Suave Lover

45% partner focus, 76% aggressiveness, 30% adventurousness

Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that:

You prefer your romance and love to be traditional rather than daring or out-of-the-ordinary, you would rather pursue than be pursued and, when it comes to physical love, you concentrate more on enjoying the experience rather than worrying about your performance.

This places you in the Lover Style of: The Suave Lover.

The Suave Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and is reminiscent of some of the most classic lover figures of all time, such as Casanova or Don Juan, or more recently James Bond (several of the “Bond girls” fit this type, too). This shouldn’t be confused with a “player” or someone who is solely interested in physical love, but someone who is looking for an incredibly elusive thing: a worthy partner. The Suave Lover is a treasure to find, but can be incredibly difficult to hold on to, once found.

In terms of physical love, the Suave Lover can sometimes be surprisingly tender. Given the right setting, and the right lover, the Suave Lover can be a delight in bed.

Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Devoted Lover (most of all) or the Romantic Lover, or the Liberated Lover.

k e l a k a r k a w w w w w …

im an ass.. definite inconsiderable jerk.

voila. today was definitely….. dont know how to describe it.. wonderful? normal? sad?

definitely t’was a normal day at the office. i was back to me happy cheerful way where kacau-ing everybody is a norm. the mood got incredibly better after lunch since i got to talk and found out what i did wrong… and i felt slightly better since ive got to know what i did and talk it out. throughout the afternoon till eve.. t’was raining heavily and after a long time.. i stayed back in the office till 7pm due to the traffic outside the office was not moving..

once i got home, on my lappie to do me ritual blog and opened up a particular blog page… OMG (not being a drama) but yea, a definite omg that i realized how a jerk i have been.. an ass or whatever because i was inconsiderate enough to listen deeply on how someone was feeling. t’was really funny that the person that i most cared about, the first person that always comes to me mind, i end up not listening to how the person was really feeling.

 im not that type of person where i just sit down and not listen. i am a definite listener.. thats what i have been doing my whole life (but not when it comes to things associated with my well-being tho) but yea.. definite listener to others who needs someone to be there for them.. sickening part about this is how could i mis-look on this one. Sigh..

again.. Im so sorry for not listening and importantly.. definite sorry that i hurt you. something which i did not expect and mebbe that i was just too shocked by the news. like i said, i’ve promised not to make you cry.. and i intend not to. itulah, bitter lagi si qookie nie.. seriously know i now how bad being bitter, moody and all can cloud my emotions/ judgements. and whoa.. i’ve never been so patient in my life, but what ive learnt so far after this 2 weeks is if im not being patient enough, definitely i’ll lose what matters to me. Call me emotional call me whatever.. but im just human.

Usually its hard to make me cry over something small.. usually im strong enough to hold on because there’s no point of me crying over it.. but like i said.. this past 2 weeks has been quite a bummer and i guess suppresed feelings all came out in the open. I never cry over people and if i do.. its because that person matters to me.

not that im selling myself, but i just dont want on how i was feeling turn all this thing around. Its bad enough that Im just about to know a person that the person caught me at a bad time. Maybe its fate.

thanks for putting things into perspective.

p a i n. s t r u c k. b a d. g u i l t h a s b l o w n o v e r.

sekian.

dad

just came back from seeing my father.

words to describe : emotional, anger and sad.

i could not believe the sight of dad when i stepped at the doorway. the man that i used to be so closed to… right now can be classified as a total bum and a hippie. whoa, didn’t know that after 1 year of not seeing my dad.. a lot has changed. the way that he speaks, the way that he looks and the way that he brings himself in front of my sister and me. pretty pretty sad.

its not that i like to put a name to the face (as in categorize someone), but seriously.. what i call my father is a total failure. the sad thing is my mom sees a lot of dad in me which i usually defend myself that I’m not.. but after today… and after how i have been re-acting and feeling lately.. definite yes that a lot of my father’s trait, even i can see.

i’ve been selfish and after qookie has done some thinking .. qookie has been stupid.. (please do.. please call me dumb).. the feelings that I’ve been having.. emotional, moody, distress, unhappy and sadness.. I’ve been too self absorbed that all this feeling is mine and mine alone.. however.. the way i have been re-acting to others is very assy indeed.

“to my friends- apologize for not being sane enough.. I’ve let my feelings got over my head. will definitely improve to not be a party pooper .. =P

to my family- apologize for not being able to share what i was feeling.. but to my sister.. youre simply the greatest.

to *sweetie* – i’ve not been thinking straight on stuff and what i have been doing is letting my feelings cloud my judgement on stuff and resulted in me being a total jerk as to the increase amount of insecurities and everything-lah. thank you for being there for me when i needed you.. and thank you for keeping me sane and expanding my stupid brains to think on more positive thinking and also thanks for taking me in the way i am =) **hugzkisses**”

tomorrow is a brand new day and a (trying to be) brand new qookie will be unveiled. I definitely have to stop being bitter and bring my confidence, integrity (mebbe dignity) level up to where it was so that i can think sanely again. A promise i made to myself (thanks to sister N) is to get rid of all the insecurities i have on what matters to me because if i dont.. opportunites will dissapear and what matters to me.. will definitely not be there.

as what someone has been saying to me for the past week.. “the law of attraction is definitely important, think positive and others will treat you the same.”

thanks for the thought.. appreciate it a lot .. and i promise you.. i am HAPPY and contented.

and another interesting one from a bumper sticker in facebook :

“people say that i’ve changed, but what i think is that i just found myself”

 :-) . . s e k i a n

qookie is well

qookie is doing much better today and more positive than ever. qookie went to clear things out with the big boss. at least qookie has a broader perspective on things from now on. thank god that spell has been lifted. all sense of confidence, securities and hope has now been re-stored.. but gradually lah.

now qookie is wondering what qookie did. qookie is brur brur in the morning and caused someone to be upset. have to just wait.

i n t e r e s t i n g h o w t h e d a y w e n t f o r q o o k i e.

blackness overcomes

qookie started the day brur brur but happy today.. due to the cold, cozy rain..

but now qookie is not up for jokes, laugh and whatsoever associated.

it seems like the future at the moment is looking bleek. sigh.

sometimes life can just fuck you up real good, dont you think? never i’ve felt so insecure. usually its all about relationships. but now.. the insecurities cover all aspects of my life. geez. thats a sicko..

i hope this ends soon. i hate to be bitter.

across the universe

was definitely dreading the idea that monday is here and to face the hell-hole back at work.

so there i was.. at the office.. at my table.. sitting there against my will for the whole day.. until i was offered tickets by *jiran* to watch the movie “across the universe”.

anxiously waited for the movie to start after running some errands (which was at 930), nestled between the drink and pop corn in my seat.. the movie starts.

when the first scene came about, i was already falling for the movie. “across the universe” is not a typical musical.. still singing.. and its all beatles song. groovy aye? .. there were actually characters like jude and lucy.. and everytime they start singing, i cant stop singing along.. its a must-go-watch movie..

               

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

plus… jude is super hot. hehehehe.. the storyline aint nothing much.. but when it comes to them singing dem beatles song.. i loved it because they remade the songs in a way that it will definitely be liked by generations these days. am definitely gonna go watch it again.. yea yea..

post – emo stress

it is definitely a very hot sunday.

after the drama on friday, im feeling much better now. at least i can think about it without brawling up and cry. as strong that i try to be, im still human.. and definitely what happened would have still hurt me. but again, that’s the hard facts of life.

on friday, it was quite bad of me that after what had happened, the first thing came to mind that i needed a drink.. BIG time. but thank god to my inner self, managed to control the amount of alco which was consumed and at least that i did not get moody or anything. well, i dont know whether i was still stressed today… but yeah.. again the need of alco came to mind again and voila.. shared a jug of sangria and a beer with cik ku`. thank you cik ku for a splendid day. =) and also to sweetie for ending it just nicely.

well, what i needed was time. what i needed was just space. but wait. let’s see what happens on monday on whether i would be strong enough to go through the day.

btw, the words below definitely describes me.

There is nothing special about me
I am just a lil star
If it seems like I’m shining
It’s probably a reflection of something you already are
I forget about myself sometime
When there’s so many other around
When deep inside you feel the darkest
That is where I can always be found

Just keep trying and trying
It’s just a matter of timing
Though the grinding is tiring
Don’t let ‘em stop you from smiling
Just keep trying and trying
Sooner or later you’ll find it
It’s surprising how inspiring
It is to see you shining
Cause in the dark of the night you’re all i can see
and you sure look like a star to me

the wait is finally over

to continue the previous entry, the wait is now finally over.

i’ve got my letter finally.. and yea.. at first i found that what i’ve got for myself was pretty.. okay.. until i found out more news from others.

“I’VE GOT GYPPED!”

yea. as discussed before with a friend from work before… we agreed that generation these days are more on to the title of the job rather than the money. well, the logic works that with the title of the positions, comes more money. correcto mundo?

hmm.. there i was walking out from the room feeling confused as they were saying something about some organizational changes which is still uncertain since the effect would be that new deployment will take place. now, the next wait will happen.

what made me unhappy for the day is to find out that certain people got promoted.. and within the team, someone actually did.. someone important to me. no doubt im happy, overjoyed on her promotion.. but look, im still human… and it was a giant fat slap on my face and plus that my ego was torn shredded to pieces. what did i do wrong, what am i not being right? am i not capable enough? am i THAT incompetent? am i not that exceptional?! well, thats the questions which im sure will be left unanswered. i felt so tired suddenly because of all the work i’ve done for the year.. it looks like its all in the bin and i feel unappreciated.

as *x-girl* told me, allow yourself to wallow in self pity for a day.. take the weekend if you have to. promise myself that i’ll be able to think rationally once monday comes. will see if that happens, and i hope it will.

I cant remember when was the last time i cried, but i remembered that i’ve never cried so much in a day sampai mata sakit and bengkak gile. hahaha. i cant stop crying the whole day and carried on till the next day. penat i tell ya.

at least i’ve learnt something now, the fucking hard facts of life. life treats you fair at times, but could screw you up real good once in a while.

**am hoping for better days to come**

well, its been a day plus after i’ve got the news, and im feeling okay a lil.. still upset but yea. as much as i cry, the world is not gonna change from my tears. comfort words contribution of ms alicia keys :

“I Don’t Worry Cause
Everything’s Gonna Be Alright
People Keep Talking
They Can Say What They Like
But All I Know Is Everything Is Gonna Be Alright

 No one, no one, no one, can get in the way of what Im feeling. “

sekian.

note : update on the plant project which I was telling earlier? ITS DEAD. how more blergh can my life be.

the longest wait

whoa.. i never knew that waiting can be so stressing and drains out the life out of you. it sucks when everyone suppose to get the same “general” news but however being disseminated individually. Everytime I see someone coming out from the room, I can feel that my heart beats goes on a faster speed hoping that it’ll be my turn. But heck no.

yea. this waiting really drains me out.. i cant think and my mind is a block.  two whole long days of waiting. *scream in silence*