04
Mar
08

another chapter

just came back from a runaway trip I so call it. on thursday last week, I decided to go for an island trip for the weekends.. since everything to me became such a mess.  so thursday I decided that i should go since I dont have any form of electronic media with me.. the blog has to carry on. heh heh.

 Time : 29th February : 11.20pm

As soon as I got out from my moms car and walked over to the bus station, my head started spinning, my stomach started churning.

“What the hell was i doing on the bus?”

This may be the biggest mistake ive done for the week. I cant remember the last time i took the bus out of town. Wait, that would be the JB/SIN trip that I went for. Whoa. its been a year since that has passed. The minutes frow closer and I got anxious than ever. I thought that this would be a good way to just get away, but why is it that im feeling this way? I could feel this giant heart break feeling that I have inside.. the burden I thought that I would have left it.. it seems to be following me.

Fuck I hate this.

I was trying to think million of reasons for me not to go, and there is a lot of em. somehow somewhat, my body didnt respond to what my mind was thinking and i continued to board the bus.. All this mix emotions, for crying out loud,tears were actually forming at the corner of my eye as i wipe it off.

The night traffic was quite smooth despite the rain.. and as the bus passed by the Sg. Besi toll and driving further away from the bustling city of KL, my mind became more bleek than ever.

What am I doing on the bus?

My good buds are in KL having fun partying and Im heading alone to a place that Ive never been to. What Im feeling right now.. s c a r y. Behind somewhat..the rage, sadness and emotionally unstable..

“Then you come back right now”

How I wish that it could be that easy. But I cant.. I need to do this..

Time: 2.21am

Stopped at the rest area. Like the auntie (who sat beside me all the way) was asking me:

A: “Amoi..apa muda muda naik bas sorang2.. mau pigi mana?”

QQ : “Auntie.. mau pigi cuti”

A: “kenapa cuti sorang”

QQ: “saya pun tak tahu”

well.. the auntie asked me whether i wanted something to eat.. and at the Yong Peng rest area the food smelled good.. my stomach was still churning from the anxiety I had and I politely told her no. I couldnt work out the appetite. sigh.

1st March : 930pm

Well, most of the day has gone, and I had a good rest. Meaning that Im not thinking about stuff too much.. Guess after that long ride from KL on the bus and the jump that I took from the middle of the sea and swam towards the resort wore me off. Yea.. again I pulled the stunt which I did in Lang Tengah last year.. But the thing is that this time was different because I came in from land by speedboat and since the weather was not that good… the boatman was telling that he couldnt dock near to the resort since the waves was crazily high (about more than 1 meter Im not joking) and without a care in the world, I jumped with the clothes I came in (yes, no swimwear) and it felt liberating. fucking good. I felt that I was released from all forms of commitment with that one simple jump.

Result : Slept like a baby on the beach for a good 2 hours after the swim.

If feels good that people around me treated as in I somehow matter and making sure that everything I need is attended to. After dins, took a walk on the beach and after a gloomy day, the stars was shining bright and I could actually see the constellations. This was a called for break and tonight a long night.. I felt at peace.

Time : I dont know what time it is, and its a good thing i dont

Background : People karaoke-ing to lagu2 Melayu

Place : Sitting on the beach, under the stars

Was passed a bunch of karaoke cd’s to look at..

“Pick a song, pick a song”

They were all fucking malay songs. as in rock kapak. hahah. But, well after a while, managed to sing something tht I know and its damn funny. In a million years I wouldnt think of singing to Awie’s ‘Tragedi Oktober’. yucks.

Sigh. The stars are definitely gorgeous. I dont want to go back to the city.

Back to the city, back to life. What is life?

Responsibilities, work, relationship. Its all about commitments. I guess after what happened last year the emotional effect took me on a rollercoaster ride. I guess that I was in denial thinking that I was out of it but last night’s drama at the bus station proves that I was not. Well, I wonder how things would be once I reach the bus station in KL tommorow.. The feeling was scary, something that I was not ready for. At least not for now.

This definitely worries me.

———————————————————————————

well. i got back safe didnt I? =)

tommorow. back to life. picking up where I left off.

thanks for texting. that made me smile. =)

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